Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Worrying about the future...
I am really in a head is crammed full of thoughts at the moment and I can't seem to work them out.
I'll set the scene. My darling younger DBro has a lot of health problems and I mean a lot. He would never be able to live on his own, put it that way, but is of sound enough mind to know what's going on in the world. In fact the only mental impairment he has is to do with the logic side of his brain. Amongst other things he had a stroke at age 3 months which left the logic part damaged. So what does this mean?
Well basically, he can't do maths, not even 2+2. He doesn't understand money, has no spacial awareness, no judgement of speed, temperature, distance, geography etc. He can speak a bit of Spanish, has a fantastic memory, knows everything and anything about super heroes, films, actors etc and is quite good at history. He can also work a computer. The latter all being dealt with by the creative side of the brain!
Since I bought my house 6 and a bit years ago, I have overpaid on my mortgage. The main reason being so that I could pay it off quicker just in case I had to cut my hours to help with Dbro or indeed finish work. The other part of my plan was to make enough profit when and if I sold my house, to be able to put away a large chunk of money (around £30,000) to go along with the £10,000 I'd already saved up for him.
I was a bit selfish about it all last year and spent some of that money saved (something I said I wouldn't do) to pay for the deposit for my car. I'm quietly confident tho that I can pay that back if I sell the house, or indeed if I pay off the mortgage early then the monthly payments would go straight into my savings account.
Enter DBF....something else I didn't plan for. I always said I wouldn't get married and would live in my own house on my own, but after spending 8 years with the guy, I do want to get married and I do want to get a house with him.
But therein lies my problem...despite the fact that we know where we would like to live,( the place hasn't been built yet but is due to be soon) how can I possibly make that step and take on a big mortgage (the house will be between £250,000-£300,000) when I will eventually become DBro's Legal guardian?
My mum's health isn't all too grand either. I guess 24 years of caring for DBro has seen to that, so I potentially have them both to care for in the future. I have no other family to help so it all falls to me, and I couldn't cope with seeing either of them in state care, which means it comes down to me to either pay private, or do it myself. Neither option is feasible if I have a house and big mortgage with DBF.
It really gets to me, all responsibility, and this blog is merely a rant on my part since I have no one else to tell this all cyberspace is 'getting a dose of it' today.
I've no idea how I will cope, and I feel guilty about being selfish and wanting a big house and a nice car, when DBro is never gonna have either of his own.
I feel so trapped sometimes, most of the time trying to blot everything to my subconscious, but sometimes these nasty thoughts rear their ugly head and won't go away. It's a bit like that this week...