Friday, October 17, 2008

How can something so small......
...leave such a big hole in your life?
Firstly, can I say a huge thank you for all your kind comments. I really did appreciate them and it is great to know that the Queen's fans thought she was beautiful too.
If I said I was doing OK then I would be lying to you all. I am devastated...truthfully...I really didn't think I could miss by bundle of fluff so much. The smallest of things sets me off on a crying it was the vacuum of all things. I havn't vacuumed the room which I sit in, the one bunny lived in, since I put her to sleep and had to tidy away her things. Not because I am scruffy or untidy or slovenly, I have used the dustpan for the odd crumb dropped, but because quite simply, it hasn't needed vacuuming. Today it did and I couldn't believe how harsh the reality of it all hit me. I had no fur to vac up, no hay, no bits of bunnyness...just my stupid hair and dust.
When bunny was running around, I had to vac every other day, as well as using the dustpan and the hand held vac. She shed her fur everywhere, and everytime she jumped in and out of her cage she always brought some hay with her. Then there were the little bits of treat that she'd chomped on and left crumbs on the rug...there was always something. Scully also loved the vac. Despite pretending otherwise, she would always come right close to the hose and follow it around the room and then run around as if I was trying to kill her with it! Today I had none of that and it made me sad.
I have had a lot of up and down days since she died and I did think I'd feel better once I had her ashes, but that saddened me too as I didn't like to think of the process she went through in order for me to get them.
I know there will be many people out there is this world wide web who won't be able to understand why I am so upset...hell knows I've questioned it myself these past weeks, but Scully was more than just my pet bunny to me and I know that more than ever now.
I have always chosen not to have children because I am brave enough to say that I don't think I'd do well as a parent. I like my time and can be quite selfish with it and I can also feel trapped by my surroundings very easily and quickly, and children would for me, highlight that. The last thing I would want to do would to have a child and regret it...that would be awful for the child and I couldn't be that cruel.
I also have other family commitments that hang over me so heavily that I couldn't also cope with having the responsibility of a child of my own on top of that, as I have no other family that I can share these other responsibilties with.
But then what do you do with all those emotions that you have?, those that could only be shared between a parent and child...just because I have no kids doesn't mean I am emotionless and that I didn't want to love something unconditionally. So along came fact she was my second. The one I got before her had to be put to sleep after only having her 4 days due to her back breaking. The pet shop felt sorry for me and let me choose another FOC, and that's when I saw Scully. She had only arrived the day before, and looked so darned sweet with one ear up and one ear down that I knew I had to have her.
So on 1st July 2000, my life changed and I was to become the luckiest Petmum there could be.
From then on, all Scully asked for was head rubs and cheek scratches and to be fed as much as I would let her be fed and in return I got my baby. She was there for me when I injured my leg at work and had to crawl around the house...always 'kissing it better', she was there when I split up from DH and boy did she have her big ears bent over that, she was there when I was so poorly before my thyroid prob was diagnosed, laying by my side as I vegged out on my bean bag 24/7. She would nudge me when I dozed off, and if I didn't respond, jump on my head and dig my hair! Not an easy thing to do getting a bunny off your head when you are too ill to even eat a crisp!
And whilst I know she depended on me to look after her, I depended on her more than she would ever have known. She was my little sounding off box, my little rock, except she was all soft and cuddly and smelt as wonderful as only small furries can, and for all that I miss her...terribly..and having her ashes in a sweet little box with her name on it, isn't enough.
I don't know where to channel those feelings, I have no-one to share my deep hidden fears with anymore, the ones you have but could never let your husbands, wives, closest friends know. I know I have the fondest of memories and it's them I am trying to hold forgive me if I don't comment on your blogs for a while, or I don't update mine for a few days.
I picked up two very special photos a couple of days ago so will leave you with a look at those...